Complete Silence

The noise I hear around the house is quite deafening. I'm so tired of being yelled at. Loud voices ring in my head over and over as the members of this family fail to notice the sound I despise. There are the moans of those who work and do the chores. The groan of the one who did everything possible for us. A happy voice retelling the same old story over and over was trying to overwhelm the crowd but the air was filled by the complaints of the one who feels belittled.
It's actually quite funny thinking of the circumstances at which a soft breeze turned into smog that covered the atmosphere of the place I call my house. It never was a home except when I leave. And now, I am the reason for all the commotion. The actual thing that happened isn't as musical as the words and figures I'm using here right now. It's not imaginary or very deep and meaningful. Quite honestly, I thought the discussion in the table as we ate dinner was dumb and shallow. There is a review going on in our school. It came with a letter that had a return slip. It just so happens that my father came home late that night and I was only able to tell my mom. The next day, my father was yelling at me for not valuing his opinion in the matter asking me never to ask help of him ever again.
Is it really my fault? It could be but does it have to be such a headache? Is it really so hard to understand and consider? I admit I fail to do so, too at times and probably even more often than my father does. But whatever he tries to prove, the farther he goes beyond the point that makes me recognize him as a father, the borders of my trust and understanding seems to reach its horizon.

Fraud and Deception

For most schools in Metro Manila, today would be the opening day. And we were one those who went to the first day of classes today. True enough, the first day always proved to be the hardest. It is my fourth going through first days in QueSci but this was one of the most memorable ones. See, for me, one of the major things to accomplish before the day ends is acceptance of where you are now. It could be with a bunch of people who take care of their grades for fun, some bullies who bully one another, a noisy cluster, or an eerily silent one. The thing is you have to accept where you were put thinking this is the ground where you are to excel and prove yourself worthy despite obstacles.
But one of the things I hate the most is fraud and hypocrisy. I hate those people who try to befriend you out of courtesy then criticizes you out of their need to--but still out of courtesy, they do it behind you. I'm quite judgmental when it comes to these kind of people who paint their face that of a mask just like in the picture. Their faces covered with luscious red smiles and eyes as deep as the darkest hole that hides under the revealing light of the sun. I may talk a little bit poetic when it comes to their description but it's quite true. Under pressure, you can see their true colors showing off as courtesy fails to make its way through them. It's hard not to avoid them although they don't breed much but when you're in the middle of a whole class of this type, it might turn out quite troublesome. Like I said, I maybe am overlooking things judging them all without giving them a chance and yet an old fear runs through me as I desperately try to hear an honest heart beat. And I admit, this fear is trying to paralyze me.
It turns out, as much as I don't like them, they don't like me either. They see me as a cold-blood. Someone who would blatantly kill given the need to. And with my immense fear breeding inside me, I can't promise I won't. Quite literally, they see me as someone with eyes as sharp as daggers and a snobbish attitude that can hurt. I am hurt as well by the way they look at me but I'm not sure I want to be caught off guard trying to make new friends that would turn into carbon like diamonds in their twilight years. I've been fooled more than enough for me to see that I'd rather have them all hate me up front than have them use me to their advantage and my downfall. You may see me full of pride but that pride is just a layer to cover up for fear. I don't care what they think. I'm going to prove myself worthy loved or not.

First Day of the Last Year

For all the other schools who haven't started school yet, it would be first day in three days. And not everyone is excited. For those who are with the same people as classmates once again, it would pass like a joke. The vacation would just be an interval between to years of staying in the same school and same people. Just like that. But for those who happen to be with different classmates, I feel you. Of course, there could be no telling whether it would be a good or bad year but for me, my year always starts with xenophobia. I act all weird and scary (as described to me by some friends) towards those I never had the chance to be with before. They told me I was unapproachable and somehow snobbish though it seems obvious that I have nothing to be proud of. Thus, I am the best choice for the "arrogant" category when labeling. Because of this, I rarely make friends for the first few days. It even lasts for weeks. It's not that I don't like to be with my classmates but I also can't conceal the fact that I would rather be with people I know and trust.
I'd rather be called snobbish than be a relative of Tupperware (synthetic and plastic often termed directly as hypocrite) so I don't care where labeling takes my classmates. I do start to soften as the year progresses but I don't always get the chance to. Instead, I stay with my old friends and forget about making new ones. They won't last anyway. The thing is, for all those who can read this, which would be so little and perhaps even none, I just want to share the inside thoughts of someone who might seem a little different than the rest. I was hoping people would give us a chance to show our change in facing our fears (although a little involuntarily). As for me, I got used to it but improvement would surely be appreciated. However, I don't think everyone got used to it. Especially those who don't have their friends inside the same campus like I do. They just need a hand. A sign saying it would be safe to show a good side.
In three days, I would be going back to school. I'd be encountering new people and frankly, some of those would be people I wish I would never be forced to interact with. And I'd remain attached to those friends I always leaned on and always took care for me. In my head, I'd always be in my happy place even though I lurk around the areas strangers dominate. And of course, since this is my last year in QueSci, I'd like to make the most out of it.

Sunset

Sunsets have always been a symbol of the end. It's always about sadness and lost. Some people even say that sunsets make them cry. The aura is quite sad, I guess. But it's really up to us if that's how we view things. After all, I don't think the setting sun would want us to think of it that way. If I were a sunset scene, I'd like to be thought of as something alike sunrise. The skies look the same. If I haven't mentioned anything that would hide the identity of the picture, it would easily be mistaken for dawn. And dawn is a symbol of hope, start, and other things that refer to a beautiful image of life.
I've talked to a friend about image once. He was a little pessimist and had a bad case of low self-esteem. I didn't blame him as no one can. He was loud and liked a joke or two. But the thing is, not everyone gets his jokes. Some even find it rather offending. Being his friend, I wasn't affected by this. When some people approached me about it, I tried comprehending their anger. Of course, at first, I was trying to change their mind about him and I was preventing myself from thinking about how other people would have been hurt had he treated them the way he treats me. And I failed. It bothered me a lot that as a friend, that's how he acts towards other including myself. So I talked him into stopping it. But he wasn't like the sunset I was thinking of. As a personified being, I always thought the sunset would want to change its character into something similar to dawn. But my friend didn't want to. He said that whatever people think of him is something he couldn't change. And changing himself would make him a different person and he wouldn't be natural. He doesn't want to be perfect. He doesn't need to please anybody. If they felt offended, its their fault for thinking it that way when it's not. They never told him they didn't like what he was doing. It was only through me that he found out.
So maybe the sunset thinks of it in the same manner. It is a beautiful scenery that implies the end. Come to think of it, it is better to think of it as the end compared to thinking of graveyards, darkness, grim reapers and such. At least there is something we can look forward to. And thus, the sunset is loved despite the symbols and metaphors linked to it. That's why whenever I dislike someone (which up to now I admit I still dislike a few) I think of how there must be something that would make him or her acceptable just like the sunset.

Truth Behind the Plaid Blue Bow

I know this is a very common topic so I thought my blog wouldn't be complete without it.
Note: These ideas are applicable to me and not necessarily everyone in the campus. And I'm not very common either so there are probably a lot of things in this list that apply only to me.

1. I didn't graduate a valedictorian from our school but I am in the Honor Roll.
2. I didn't read everything in the oath or whatever that was that we signed.
3. I don't study but I want a high grade.
4. I eat in class.
5. There is always this teacher that I don't like.
6. There is always this teacher that I like.
7. I found it hard to take MAPEH seriously during my third year.
8. Even though they say cell phones aren't allowed, I still bring mine and I put it in silent mode.
   
9. I eat or doodle during programs, seminars and the like.
10. I like doodling during a boring lecture.
11. The last pages of my Math notebook are dedicated to doodles and computations.
12. I countdown in my head when it's almost lunchtime or dismissal.
13. I reviewed in Expert Guide Tutorial mainly for the UPCAT.
14. I know my course already but when asked I say I'm undecided.
15. I don't study unless there's an upcoming exam, quiz or long test.
16. I spend more time on Facebook than studying.
17. I sleep late not because I study but because I procrastinate.
18. I feel no resentment towards our principal but I accept her changes disdainfully.
19. I think the best part of the Foundation Day is the Assassination Booth.
    
20. I cram most of the time--especially when it comes to homework and studying for a quiz.
    

Tears Under the Moonlight

I am no stranger to tears as no one (at least none that I know of) is. I may be a stranger to anyone aside from myself but I am a friend of tears and a seeker of serenity. Who isn't? Humans never get contented with serenity, though. That's why they claim not to have found it when they've had it all along. A child is happy, right? It's not because he knows not of what is around him. It's not because he is young and he can't think for himself. Even babies are smarter than their own parents as studies show. It may not be recognized world-wide but mothers claim that once a baby is breast fed, he would be able to detect the feelings of the mother. And of course, not all relatives and friends of the mother would be able to make such a good guess as a baby who would be able to show the feelings of his mother. Then, what makes us lose that serenity we once have? We lose it when we finally see the parental chains and struggle desperately to break free. Breaking free wouldn't be such a bad thing but personally, I think the struggle is.
Right now, incoming fourth year high school students would be preparing for college. One specific aim would be UP. And parents, would also wish for their kid to be in a prestigious school as such and the pressure begins. My parents and some other relatives has put a great amount of pressure in me. even teachers. They think I have a great potential and thus, if I work hard, I could make it. But what if I don't want to work hard? What if I don't care whether I pass or not? I tried telling them but they won't listen. They just don't understand. And every time I find myself doing something other than studying, they find it rather annoying or treat it as if it was severely pointless and such a waste of time.

Pardon for the drawing but that''s a scan of a pic I tried copying..I originally found it in photobucket and thought of making a pencil version.